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Ugh… pie

17 Feb

I hate pie.

There are only a few things that when I hear the word I’m in an instantly bad mood, and pie is one of them. It’s the most disappointing dessert there is.  Seriously who was the first person to think up this crap?  I picture the first transaction going something like this:

History’s Worst Baker: Hey guys I just came up with a new dessert!

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: What is it?

History’s Worst Baker: Well I’ve got some really ripe almost rotten fruit that I’m going to bake in a dish. But don’t worry it won’t be one of those “healthy” desserts because I’m going to ladle a disgustingly sweet – I mean make your mouth pucker at the amount of sweetness – mixture of syrup and sugar on top of it.

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: So it’s a dessert soup?

History’s Worst Baker: No definitely not. I’m going to wrap it up bottom, sides and top in the driest most flavor-lacking dough you’ve ever tasted.

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: Oh.

History’s Worst Baker: And to trick everyone into trying it I’m going to cut super cute shapes in the top crust.

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: Greeeaaatttt.

Seriously this stuff is crap. And you know it’s crap because every person that has ever baked a pie always has the same defense when I tell them I don’t like pie, “Well that’s cause you haven’t tasted my pie yet”.  Nope! I’m pretty sure it’s going to taste like all the other 50 pies I’ve tried. Disgustingly sweet gizzards and disgustingly gag-worthy crust.

I don’t trust anyone that likes pie over cake! Cake is delicious. It’s moist and has the right sweetness and can have layers of frosting, chocolate or even fruit inside of it. Why would anyone prefer pie over cake? I’ll tell you why, because they’re crazy and that’s why you should stay away from them!

Today I was forced to eat a piece. I told the jerk, “I appreciate the offer and it was very nice of you to bring it in but I don’t want a piece”. And then jerk #2 says, “you have to try it I cut you a piece”.  To which I said as jerk #2 was putting a piece in my hands, “I don’t like pie”. I hope my look as I took the plate said ‘Fuck You’ because that’s what I was trying to convey.

Stupid pie. I have this sugary coating all over my mouth and tongue now. And the crappy flakes are stuck in my throat screaming for moisture so that they can digest. Great freaking start to the day.

I hate pie.

What a Selfish B****

16 Feb

I have a confession to make. All my life all I’ve ever wanted in a life partner was a man exactly like my Grandpa; tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, amazing around power tools, laughs at his own bad jokes, and loves me for being imperfect. So when I tried to move into a new relationship that’s exactly what I found the first time around. An intelligent man who wanted to be with me. And then I found out that I’m not ready.

I was so excited at first and then I caught myself doing what I always do, of trying to sabotage everything. Was this guy perfect? Hell no, but no one is. And instead of accepting that I held on to it. It stopped me from getting to know this guy. I recognized my downfall and sat in front of my mirror and tried pulling an SNL’s Stuart Smalley.  I looked into my eyes and had all the intentions of saying “Sarah, you’re beautiful and deserve love” but instead I looked into my own eyes and began crying.  And not just tears running down my face but sobs.

Who knew that looking at yourself and being honest would be so hard?! I kept going though, I made myself continue to say it until it could be done without a breakdown. And when I was done with that I realized something… I’m not ready for a relationship. Even with “Mr. Perfect” I’m not ready.  My biggest fear in life has always been being alone. I hate eating at a restaurant alone, I refuse to go to movies by myself, hell even living alone has been difficult. Which is why I need to do it. I need to learn to look at myself in the mirror and not cry at the person looking back at me.

I feel selfish. I feel horrible. I have no idea where to begin and it terrifies me.  I think my first step has been met though, I recognized that I am the problem that is keeping myself down in life.  Now instead of being alone at night and being depressed about it I need to learn to love and embrace it.  I just don’t know how…

WIP

22 Jan

So it’s been a couple days since I wrote anything on here. Which has led me to realize I have a problem with doing two projects at once.

I’m currently working on crocheting an afghan that I’m now realizing will look great but is going to take forever to finish. To put it into some perspective I think it’s going to take 15-17 skeins of yarn where as the others I made were around 5! It’s not really the length or width but just the pattern itself. I really loved this pattern though and even though I don’t have anyone in mind for this blanket I really wanted to make it. Because of how much time and money is being put into this blanket I think I may keep it.

So with this new realization of how I work,  I promise to start working on another project this week that won’t take too long and that I can share with everyone! And as soon as I’ve completed my mega blanket pictures and instructions will be shown!

Freedom

16 Jan

Have you ever felt true freedom? Like honest to goodness freedom? As if you’ve let go of everything that was holding you back or down? I think I just felt that for the first time in my life. I was given news, and as I heard everything I could feel this warmth wash through me and this weight lift off my lungs. It was almost cliche but I took that first breath and felt like I was able to breathe in so much more air. And with that air came the realization that I was happy. Delirious with the thought that I could move on in my own happiness and not be afraid of that nagging voice telling me to turn back. Because that voice is gone. For the first time I’m just me and I’m excited. I don’t need anyone else to contribute to my happiness. I no longer need to “fake it til I make it” I made it. I’m happy.

Just the Beginning

3 Jan

I’ve started and abruptly ended multiple blogs before, so why start this one now?

Well a little before Christmas the 5 year relationship I had been in and out of ended quite painfully. I spent a couple of days being extremely angry, crying myself to sleep, listening to Pearl Jam’s Black nonstop and drinking one too many bottles of wine, but then I realized I’m ok. In fact I’m better than ok, I have the opportunity to find out who I am all over again. Not quite reinvent myself but get reacquainted with who I am. Of course this thinking was easier if I looked in the mirror and didn’t see the same person as always so, with the help of some family, I dyed my hair. This way the difference I want to feel on the inside could be shown on the outside.  Baby steps, right?

My personal thought process always goes to the negative first so after my ‘I am woman hear me roar’ moment wore off, I started thinking about how I hate being alone and how I’ve been “Sarah and” for so long that I don’t know what just I like anymore. So I made myself sit and write down (I’m a list type of person) all of my favorites. They went something like this: crocheting, baking, the Cleveland Browns, socializing with friends, laughing with my family. Then I thought for a moment how these items can help me grow as a person and the thought to start up another blog was formed.

I’m looking at this as more of a way that I can remind myself of all that I’m capable of as an individual. Whether it’s through the projects or memories I create. And although I would love to be more self-confident as I continue this journey I know that in order to become that way I need the right people to help me along.

Now I am in no way a professional at this stuff. I love crocheting and have been known to sit down and just start making a blanket just because. I enjoy baking even though I lack the patience needed for decorating. And I recently discovered how amazing Pinterest.com is so I have begun attempts at being crafty. I hope that this blog shares with all of you my journey in discovering my capabilities, or lack thereof.  I will try my hardest to share each step of the process with you all. In return, please feel free to ask questions or give suggestions on what I should undertake next!

Enjoy!