Ugh… pie

17 Feb

I hate pie.

There are only a few things that when I hear the word I’m in an instantly bad mood, and pie is one of them. It’s the most disappointing dessert there is.  Seriously who was the first person to think up this crap?  I picture the first transaction going something like this:

History’s Worst Baker: Hey guys I just came up with a new dessert!

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: What is it?

History’s Worst Baker: Well I’ve got some really ripe almost rotten fruit that I’m going to bake in a dish. But don’t worry it won’t be one of those “healthy” desserts because I’m going to ladle a disgustingly sweet – I mean make your mouth pucker at the amount of sweetness – mixture of syrup and sugar on top of it.

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: So it’s a dessert soup?

History’s Worst Baker: No definitely not. I’m going to wrap it up bottom, sides and top in the driest most flavor-lacking dough you’ve ever tasted.

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: Oh.

History’s Worst Baker: And to trick everyone into trying it I’m going to cut super cute shapes in the top crust.

Disappointed Sweet Tooths: Greeeaaatttt.

Seriously this stuff is crap. And you know it’s crap because every person that has ever baked a pie always has the same defense when I tell them I don’t like pie, “Well that’s cause you haven’t tasted my pie yet”.  Nope! I’m pretty sure it’s going to taste like all the other 50 pies I’ve tried. Disgustingly sweet gizzards and disgustingly gag-worthy crust.

I don’t trust anyone that likes pie over cake! Cake is delicious. It’s moist and has the right sweetness and can have layers of frosting, chocolate or even fruit inside of it. Why would anyone prefer pie over cake? I’ll tell you why, because they’re crazy and that’s why you should stay away from them!

Today I was forced to eat a piece. I told the jerk, “I appreciate the offer and it was very nice of you to bring it in but I don’t want a piece”. And then jerk #2 says, “you have to try it I cut you a piece”.  To which I said as jerk #2 was putting a piece in my hands, “I don’t like pie”. I hope my look as I took the plate said ‘Fuck You’ because that’s what I was trying to convey.

Stupid pie. I have this sugary coating all over my mouth and tongue now. And the crappy flakes are stuck in my throat screaming for moisture so that they can digest. Great freaking start to the day.

I hate pie.

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3 Responses to “Ugh… pie”

  1. gram February 17, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    what flavor was the pie? I bet it wasn’t pecan

  2. Renee Koly February 24, 2012 at 9:09 am #

    Sarah, I don’t know if Em read this entry but she would totally disagree with you!!!!!! She loves pie!!!

    • keep calm and crochet on February 24, 2012 at 9:13 am #

      She also loves her steak well done so I don’t take too much stock in her taste buds! 🙂

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