What a Selfish B****

16 Feb

I have a confession to make. All my life all I’ve ever wanted in a life partner was a man exactly like my Grandpa; tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, amazing around power tools, laughs at his own bad jokes, and loves me for being imperfect. So when I tried to move into a new relationship that’s exactly what I found the first time around. An intelligent man who wanted to be with me. And then I found out that I’m not ready.

I was so excited at first and then I caught myself doing what I always do, of trying to sabotage everything. Was this guy perfect? Hell no, but no one is. And instead of accepting that I held on to it. It stopped me from getting to know this guy. I recognized my downfall and sat in front of my mirror and tried pulling an SNL’s Stuart Smalley.  I looked into my eyes and had all the intentions of saying “Sarah, you’re beautiful and deserve love” but instead I looked into my own eyes and began crying.  And not just tears running down my face but sobs.

Who knew that looking at yourself and being honest would be so hard?! I kept going though, I made myself continue to say it until it could be done without a breakdown. And when I was done with that I realized something… I’m not ready for a relationship. Even with “Mr. Perfect” I’m not ready.  My biggest fear in life has always been being alone. I hate eating at a restaurant alone, I refuse to go to movies by myself, hell even living alone has been difficult. Which is why I need to do it. I need to learn to look at myself in the mirror and not cry at the person looking back at me.

I feel selfish. I feel horrible. I have no idea where to begin and it terrifies me.  I think my first step has been met though, I recognized that I am the problem that is keeping myself down in life.  Now instead of being alone at night and being depressed about it I need to learn to love and embrace it.  I just don’t know how…

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One Response to “What a Selfish B****”

  1. ouija board February 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

    I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!… Stuart Smalley

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